Monday, February 11, 2013

Feet to the flames...

I find it no small coincidence that at the very moment, hour, and day that my wife and I declare our desire to grow in and closer to God, and in our relationship together, that in that same breath we would awaken to find ourselves, our relationship, and our family under attack from the principalities that would seek the death and destruction of all that God would see grow through his work and ministrations in our lives.

Last week Nicole and I committed to being being much more intentional and thoughtful regarding our Lenten disciplines, and in our study of God's word together. Saturday we sat down together and prayerfully created a family purpose statement, which we hoped God would aid us in using to foster his will and direction in our family.

And at this moment, looking back at the last two days since that time of reflection and prayer, I find myself being bombarded with a paradigm that disgusts and convicts me. This morning was awful, to put it frankly. I was short-tempered with our toddler; gorgeous, young, and innocent though she is. I was judgmental, impatient, and accusing of my wife. And as i sat in staff worship this morning after getting to work, I found it all but impossible to be prayerful or thankful, or even repentant, about anything.

As I sat and listened to God's word read aloud, heard the voices of corporate prayer and worship surrounding me, all I could think was how I wish it would end. And suddenly, like a wave of regret and guilt, I realized what I wish I have come to understand years ago.

I was angry at my wife, my child, my family, my circumstances, even my God. I felt in my heart what I know to be right...that I was being called, given every opportunity to be gracious, selfless, sacrificial, and forgiving. I knew, recognized more clearly than ever before in my life, that I was under a spiritual attack from principalities seeking to bring about the very division and bitterness I was experiencing in my life at that very moment. I knew that I was being sinful in my attitude and action. And I wanted it to end, I wanted to accept God's grace and chose a better, Christ-centered way and attitude. However, something deep inside me WANTED to hold on to that sin.

The darkness of sin that I had selfishly and foolishly allowed to creep into my heart and mind could be seen actively warring against the light of Christ that dwells inside me. I could watch it like an epic tale played out on the big screen. I could see Frodo warring with himself inside the mountain as the two natures inside him warred against one another. Like Elisha's eyes opening to perceive the heavenly hosts surround the hills, ready to defend the city under siege, my eyes were opened in a radical new paradigm to perceive the LITERAL reality of the ongoing battle between the Lord of Hosts and his angels, and the agents of the Enemy.

In that moment I felt literally sick in my stomach. I knew then more clearly than ever just what Paul was referring to in Romans 7. The very good I wanted, I could not bring myself to do. And the very evil that I desperately wanted no part of...that I kept on doing. I felt in my physical body a reaction to the filth of sin in my life, and I wanted to vomit. Full of regret. full of disgust with myself and full of guilt over my weakness in defense against the orchestrations of the Enemy, I sat down and began to write to you all.

So here I offer what we as Christians are too often fearful to release in trust and faith to a loving God and our fellow brothers and sisters. I am the master of my own destruction. To that end I say this:

First: Lord, I know that you are sovereign over all things, that you are gracious without end, merciful, and trustworthy. I know in my heart that in my own strength, pride, arrogance, and piety I make a mockery of you, and of the grace you have so freely shed on the cross in the spilling of your own Son's blood. I know you are holy, and wise, and forgiving. And for these things Lord I declare thanksgiving that you are as you have always been. You are love and justice and truth. I am full of sin and unworthy to be counted among your sons and daughters. And yet I am thankful that even now you show forth your glory in rescuing me once again from the mire in which I yet again find myself. Forgive me Lord for my sins against you. Though I am not worthy, make me clean. And strengthen me with the encouragement that comes from your Word and your Church.

Secondly: Nicole, today and this weekend were my fault. Through God gifting of you to me you are my joy. My source of encouragement. My peace. My hiding place and security. You indeed are my cherished love and companion. I am so sorry, my Love. You are to be cherished, encouraged, lifted up, honored, and led to closeness with our Lord. these are the things I long to give to you and provide for you, and I beg the Lord's help in fulfilling this call as your helpmate. I love you, and pray that God blesses your day and season of Lent with the heaviness of his presence and Spirit. I pray that God would help and give me strength in helping and encouraging you to be come a woman who defines grace, humility, service, compassion, and love to all who encounter her.

Third: To my children, who cannot yet even read of comprehend these words. You are my legacy of faith, entrusted to me by Almighty God. Forgive me for my short-sightedness and frustration with you. I have been called to steward your young life, teaching you all I know of the Father and shepherding you in growing to know and love and pursue him with all your hearts. This task weighs heavily on my heart, and I pray in desperate need that God would lead me in his wisdom as I seek to do so. For you I pray the bliss and beauty of childhood. That even before an ability to articulate God's place in your heart and life, that you would know him and have a deep love for Him. That one day you both would be such as Timothy. Young people whose lives so clearly reveal your place as a child of God and a fervent disciple in Christ that people in our communities, even those who have yet to meet you, would know of your heart for our Lord, and give thanks to the Lord for young ones such as you.

Today I am reminded, though my mother's constant encouragement, of Gideon. A coward threshing wheat in a wine press to whom the angel of the Lord declared, "The Lord is with you, o' mighty man of valor." I am reminded that though I may feel as though I am the least and weakest of all, through Christ's strength and by God's will and power, I have been called to die to put to death the sin of self that wars within me, desperately clinging to the smallest hint of selfishness, hate and pride. These things have no place in the heart of a might man whom God has called to good works. And like Gideon, though small and fearful, if I trust in the strength of our Lord, I will witness the power of God cast down the principalities that plague this world. I will see captives set free, and the light of the Gospel send the darkness skittering far from God's people. Indeed, when led by the hand of God, and in abiding in Him, the true vine, I will see even "greater works than these" wrought by the hand of the Father.

Lord, I love you. Nicole, I cherish you and am so thankful for you always. Kayla and Jos, I am inspired to lead you faithfully toward God's love. Please Lord, bless and keep us all this season of Lent. Prepare our hearts to receive the wonders you delight in bringing us as we look forward once again to celebrating your resurrection.